• Rainbow Baby's First Birthday
    Infertility and Pregnancy Loss,  Milestones

    Hank is One

    Oh Hank,My sweet baby boy. When you were born, I let out a breath I’d been holding in tight for over a year. I hadn’t even noticed until it came out in one big whoosh as the doctor called “it’s a boy!” from behind the drape. I was so sure, I would never meet you. Never sit, blinking away my exhaustion, and trace your delicate features in the muted glow of a 3am night light. I spent most of my pregnancy mourning all the things I’d never watch you do and then like a miracle, you were here, on the outside with a little cry. Seven pounds, nine ounces. Perfect…

  • First Day of Preschool
    Milestones

    Preschool for Indiana

    Why do I always think things will be easier the second time around? Maybe the rest of life has conditioned me to believe that with practice I will get better at something. Mostly, it’s true but being a mama isn’t like anything else in this life. It’s harder. It’s messier. It’s just more. More everything. Good. Bad. Ugly. Beautiful. Sad. Elating. Just…everything. Always more. Indy started preschool this week. He’s got his own backpack and we went to Target to pick out a new shirt for his first day. Yes. He insisted on a long sleeve shirt. Yes, it was 83 degrees and about as humid as you’d expect in…

  • happy girl camping in Indiana
    Milestones

    Nine

    Oh Harp,By some unexplained time warp or black hole or something equally complicated, you’re nine. Nine years ago, you that made me a mama and it changed the trajectory of my life forever. I’ve thanked you for it a million times before but I haven’t expressed gratitude for your eternal patience with me as I grow up alongside you. You’re the guinea pig, kid. Every thing I know about being a parent, you taught me. Every day with you is…new. Uncharted territory through which I’m floating with only your reactions and honesty to guide me. Constantly seeking an equilibrium and often failing, too much of something and not enough of…

  • Midwest Couple wedding
    Milestones

    Dear Guy

    Ten years ago today we got married. We were really young. I was literally days out of college and you were working your first real job. It rained and all the curls fell out of my hair before we even got to the church but my feet didn’t hurt at the end of the night and we made it to the airport on time. Most of it went right, some of it went wrong, and I think maybe that’s the best way to sum us up. 80 out of a 100 is, as we always say, good enough. We are very different people than we were that day. You are…

  • Quack Daddy Donuts
    Milestones

    And then he was 3

    Indiana,You are three. How quickly this world turns. It’s hard to explain in regular, old words how bittersweet your birthday really is. Maybe someday you’ll have babies of your own. Then you’ll know how it feels to live in the space where everything makes you proud and sad in equal parts. As your babes learn to crawl, and then walk, and then run, each new step taking them farther from you. You run and jump and climb with such enthusiasm, I know you are destined for great things and big adventures on which I won’t be able to follow. For now, it’s one of my greatest privileges to explore with…

  • Happy Baby black and white
    Milestones

    Hank’s Half

    The other night Hank went to sleep and woke up the next morning closer to his first birthday that he was to the day he was born. It’s been a whole beautiful, crisp autumn and an entire dark, frigid winter. Still, it’s clear nothing pays better testament to time’s unforgiving metronome than a baby. The speed at which they go from brand new to someone all their own is astonishing, even with our third as it was with our first. He’s my kid so obviously he lives to eat. His fondness for food, especially peas and scrambled eggs, is surpassed only for his love of the boob. When he wants…

  • our new house
    Milestones

    A Clean Slate

    A year ago today we rolled into Indianapolis. Rolled might be the wrong word. Rather, we limped. Exhausted and damp, still recovering from the Oklahoma ice storm of 2018 that had left every last nerve frazzled. One kid puking, another so congested he could barely breathe, the baby in my belly still an uncertainty. A ribbon two thousand miles long stretched taut, separating us from everything familiar and precious. This was the clean slate. Maybe too clean. The house somehow seemed more foreign than any of the hotels we had stumbled into long after dark each night only to leave before the following sunrise. Empty and massive in comparison to…

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